The Pressure to Be a Perfect Parent

From the moment pregnancy begins, the pressure to be the “perfect” parent can feel overwhelming. Social media, parenting books, and well-meaning advice can reinforce unrealistic standards—a perfectly planned birth, a calm and content baby, a parent who never struggles. For those with perfectionist tendencies, this pressure can lead to heightened anxiety, self-doubt, and guilt, increasing the risk of perinatal depression and anxiety.

But what if perfection isn’t necessary? What if being good enough is the key to raising a healthy, well-adjusted child—and protecting your own mental health?

The Link Between Perfectionism and Perinatal Depression & Anxiety

Perfectionism is often seen as a drive to succeed, but in parenthood, it can create emotional distress and exhaustion. Research suggests that high self-oriented perfectionism (setting impossible standards for oneself) and socially prescribed perfectionism (believing others expect perfection) can increase vulnerability to postpartum depression and anxiety.

Perfectionism may contribute to perinatal mental health struggles in several ways:

• Unrealistic Expectations: Feeling pressure to do everything “right” from pregnancy to parenting can make natural challenges feel like failures.
• Guilt & Self-Criticism: Perfectionists often feel deep guilt for struggling, believing they are not a “good enough” parent.
• Fear of Asking for Help: Seeking support might feel like admitting weakness or failure.
• Hyper vigilance & Anxiety: The need for control can lead to excessive worry over the baby’s sleep, feeding, or development.
• Emotional Burnout: Constantly striving for an unattainable ideal can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and withdrawal.

The “Good Enough Parent” – A More Realistic Approach to Parenthood

British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (1950s) introduced the concept of the “good enough mother”—a revolutionary idea that challenges perfectionist parenting. He argued that children don’t need perfect parents; they need responsive, attuned parents who allow them to experience manageable frustrations and learn from them.

“The good-enough mother is one who makes active adaptation to the infant’s needs, an active adaptation that gradually lessens, according to the infant’s growing ability to account for failure of adaptation and to tolerate the results of frustration.” — Winnicott, 1953

This idea remains crucial today. Trying to shield children from all discomfort, prevent every mistake, or meet every need instantly is neither necessary nor beneficial. Instead, good-enough parenting allows children to develop:

• Resilience – Learning to navigate small disappointments helps children cope with life’s inevitable challenges.
• Empathy & Respect for Others – Experiencing reasonable delays in having their needs met teaches children that others have needs too.
• Independence & Problem-Solving Skills – Over time, children learn to self-soothe and problem-solve rather than expecting external perfection.

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation Report (2009) outlined four core components of good-enough parenting:

• Meeting children’s health and developmental needs
• Putting children’s needs first (but not at the expense of parental well-being)
• Providing routine and consistent care
• Recognising parenting struggles and seeking support when needed

How to Let Go of Perfectionism and Protect Your Mental Health

If you struggle with perfectionism, you are not alone. Shifting to a good enough mindset can protect your mental health and strengthen your bond with your child. In my therapy practice, I offer treatments to help parents overcome perfectionism, anxiety, and perinatal depression.

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Helps challenge self-critical thoughts, reduce all-or-nothing thinking, and build self-compassion.
• Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT): Supports parents in navigating relationship stress, identity shifts, and unrealistic expectations.
• Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR): Helpful for processing traumatic birth experiences or past perfectionist-driven stress.

Final Thoughts: You Are Already Enough

You don’t need to be perfect to be a wonderful, loving parent. Your baby doesn’t need a flawless caregiver—they need a real one. One who shows up, makes mistakes, learns, and loves them deeply. If you’re struggling with perinatal depression, anxiety, or perfectionism, know that help is available.

If you’d like support on your parenting journey, I’d love to help. Reach out to book a session.