You were once a high-flying career woman. You thrived on control, planning, and problem-solving. You built a life where hard work and strategy led to success. And then… you had a baby.

Suddenly, all the skills that once made you feel capable now seem useless. You can’t predict when your baby will sleep, eat, or cry. You can't measure your "progress" as a parent. There’s no promotion for getting through the hardest nights. And that uncertainty feels unbearable.

If this sounds familiar, you might be struggling with intolerance of uncertainty (IU)—a trait linked to anxiety, perfectionism, and the deep discomfort of not knowing what comes next.

Why Is Parenthood So Hard When You’re Used to Control?

In your career, certainty was a given. If you followed the rules, you got results. If you encountered a problem, you could fix it. Hard work led to rewards. But babies don’t follow spreadsheets, schedules, or logical processes.

Instead:

• Some days, what works… just stops working.
• Sleep routines can unravel for no clear reason.
• Illness, teething, or developmental leaps can throw everything off.
• You can’t "problem-solve" your way out of a fussy evening.

And if you’ve spent your life mastering structure and predictability, this level of uncertainty can feel like failure.

The Science Behind Uncertainty and Anxiety in Parenthood

Intolerance of uncertainty (IU) is a well-researched trait that influences anxiety levels. It refers to how much discomfort a person experiences when they don’t know what will happen next. People with high IU often:

• Seek reassurance and control over outcomes
• Feel anxious when things don’t go to plan
• Struggle with unpredictability in daily life
• Try to "solve" uncertainty rather than tolerate it

When this trait meets the chaos of early parenthood, it can create stress, anxiety, and even feelings of hopelessness.

Why Uncertainty in Parenting Feels So Personal

Most new parents feel overwhelmed at times, but if you’re used to being in control, the unpredictability of a baby might feel like a personal shortcoming.

• "Why can’t I get this ‘right’ when I’ve been capable my whole life?"
• "Other parents seem to be managing—why am I struggling?"
• "I read all the books, followed all the advice… and my baby STILL won’t sleep!"

The truth? Parenting isn’t a test you can pass or fail. It’s a relationship. And relationships—especially with a newborn—are inherently messy, fluid, and uncertain.

How to Cope When You Crave Certainty in Parenthood

1. Acknowledge That Babies Are Unpredictable (And That’s OK!)
   Instead of seeing unpredictability as a problem to fix, try to accept it as part of the process. Your baby isn’t a reflection of your competence. Some days will be easier than others—and that doesn’t mean you’re failing.
2. Let Go of the "Perfect Parent" Myth
   The idea that "good mothers just know what to do" is a myth. Parenting is a skill that develops through trial and error, not perfection. Even the most experienced parents are still figuring things out.
3. Reframe "Uncertainty" as "Adaptability"
   Instead of thinking, "I can’t handle not knowing what will happen next," try, "I am learning to adapt and respond in the moment." Flexibility—not rigid control—is what helps in early parenthood.
4. Find Certainty in Small Routines
   While babies are unpredictable, small routines can create a sense of stability. Maybe you always have your coffee at the same time each morning, or you do a short bedtime ritual even if your baby’s sleep is erratic. These small moments anchor you.
5. Practice "Good Enough" Parenting
   Winnicott’s concept of the good enough mother reminds us that babies don’t need perfection—they need a parent who tries, who is present, who repairs mistakes.
6. Seek Support (You Don’t Have to Do This Alone!)
   If the uncertainty of parenting feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be useful for managing IU, while Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help if past experiences are making the lack of control in parenting feel especially triggering.

Final Thoughts: You Are Still You—Even in the Uncertainty

If you’re struggling with the unpredictability of parenting, you are not alone. Many high-achieving women feel this way. You haven’t "lost" yourself—you’re just navigating a completely new kind of challenge.

And unlike your career, where success was measured in milestones, the success of parenting isn’t about control—it’s about connection.

Your baby doesn’t need a perfect, all-knowing parent. They just need you. Messy, exhausted, learning as you go. And that? That’s more than enough. ❤️